Testing Testing Testing 1, 2, 3.....

So as luck would have it, I have been facing a lot of testing in the past few days....weeks.  I say this, and I am sure it's coming across like it was and is a horrible thing.  Truthfully, I don't like testing.  I have never been a good test taker.  It's not my favorite thing, but it's not tough or scary, usually because you don't know it's a test and your true self answers the questions.  It's a weird process, but but one we need.  We can think we would do the right thing over and over.  

With me, I am sure if you know me, then I am sure you view me as opinionated among other things.  The truth is, I think I talk a big game on confrontation.  I view myself as passionate and struggling to have my voice heard.  I have learned over the years to really have your voice heard and to make a difference you need to speak less.  This is what I am working on.  Speaking less listening more.  It doesn't mean I am not talking, but rather listening to those around me.  I want people to say...he doesn't talk a lot but when he does it's truth, wise, smart, just what we needed, etc.   

This past week I faced a real test.  Something happened, and I was shell shocked to say the least.  I was completely blind sided, and I didn't really know what to do.  My feelings were hurt and I felt embarrassed.  I kind of went into this delusional place of telling myself, "I'm okay."  It is not a fun place, sulking is not in my nature so when it happens it challenges my thinking.  I just kept slipping into this place that I got really irrational.  I started to talk about moving on and away from something I really love.  It was that moment, I heard God clear as the day.  He challenged me into what I was going to do.  I felt like he said..."it's your move."  I have never played chess or really even know how, but I know it's all about strategy.  So, I called a friend told them what happened and what I should do.  They told me, well if you can't shake it then you must confront.  My friend also told me I was right to feel the way I did.  Feelings are not your barometer but you can not deny them.  That's really good advice.  It took a lot of guilt off my shoulders.  I was honest and told them of my irrationality, and then the advice I clung to hear....it's normal and it's okay, just don't let yourself act on your irrationality.  Oh that is really good advice. I sat back, and thought about it and prayed.  I thought about what it actually cost me.  I thought about why it bothered me.  I tried to get to the bottom of it.  I felt God showing me it was the surprise of it all that got me down.  It was my vulnerability was exploited.  It was the people who did this are people I super trust.  It noticed some thinking about the whole thing being blown out of proportion, and I heard myself say, "they didn't do this to internationally hurt me."  I knew I had reached to place that meant I needed to set a boundary.  I felt that if I was my friends I would want to know.  I called told them, and it all worked out.  Setting boundaries is so important.  

I heard God say...you passed...

I am so glad

peace

-b

Thus is life

I hate when people say that. It drives me crazy. As if we are some pitiful useless bag of bones without purpose. It's so funny. Ever time I think I have it tough I think of all those who are less fortunate. I think its horrible that we argue over the correct way to help those in need, those people who really can't help themselves are just standing there watching us act like those kids first grade. I hate it. I absolutely think it is silly to argue over "if" and "how" the help. I don't think help needs to be fought over, but rather everyone doing their part. It's the red tape that corrupts the systems. It's not a political issue, but a heart issue. I am stirred EVERY time I talk or see those in need. Now I am not perfect and I can't hep everyone, that's an impossible challenge for me.

I feel super small and inept when it comes to solving the world's multiple problems. I just don't have all the answers. I was listening to a song the other day, a song that has become one I think touches on this feeling. It "I like Giants" by Kimya Dawson....

Here are the lyrics, with emphasis added

I Like Giants

When I go for a drive I like to pull off to the side
Of the road, turn out the lights, get out and look up at the sky
And I do this to remind me that I'm really, really tiny
In the grand scheme of things and sometimes this terrifies me

But it's only really scary cause it makes me feel serene
In a way I never thought I'd be because I've never been
So grounded, and so humbled, and so one with everything
I am grounded, I am humbled, I am one with everything

Rock and roll is fun but if you ever hear someone
Say you are huge, look at the moon, look at the stars, look at the sun
Look at the ocean and the desert and the mountains and the sky
Say I am just a speck of dust inside a giant's eye
I am just a speck of dust inside a giant's eye

When I saw Geneviève I really liked it when she said
What she said about the giant and the lemmings on the cliff
She said 'I like giants
Especially girl giants
Cause all girls feel too big sometimes
Regardless of their size'

When I go for a drive I like to pull off to the side
Of the road and run and jump into the ocean in my clothes
I'm smaller than a poppyseed inside a great big bowl
And the ocean is a giant that can swallow me whole

So I swim for all salvation and I swim to save my soul
But my soul is just a whisper trapped inside a tornado
So I flip to my back and I float and I sing
I am grounded, I am humbled, I am one with everything
I am grounded, I am humbled, I am one with everything

So I talked to Geneviève and almost cried when she said
That the giant on the cliff wished that she was dead
And the lemmings on the cliff wished that they were dead
So the giant told the lemmings why they ought to live instead

When she thought up all those reasons that they ought to live instead
It made her reconsider all the sad thoughts in her head
So thank you Geneviève, cause you take what is in your head
And you make things that are so beautiful and share them with your friends

We all become important when we realize our goal
Should be to figure out our role within the context of the whole
And yeah, rock and roll is fun, but if you ever hear someone
Say you are huge, look at the moon, look at the stars, look at the sun
Look at the ocean and the desert and the mountains and the sky

Say I am just a speck of dust inside a giant's eye
I am just a speck of dust inside a giant's eye
I am just a speck of dust inside a giant's eye
And I don't wanna make her cry
Cause I like giants

That's IT! "We all become important when we realize our goal should be to figure out our role within the context of the whole." It takes us all for change. It takes all of us to make the change this world needs. If we could just motivate the vast majority into action....but thus is life.....GRRRR!!!


Just some thoughts

peace,
-b