Monday, May 12, 2008

Testing Testing Testing 1, 2, 3.....

So as luck would have it, I have been facing a lot of testing in the past few days....weeks.  I say this, and I am sure it's coming across like it was and is a horrible thing.  Truthfully, I don't like testing.  I have never been a good test taker.  It's not my favorite thing, but it's not tough or scary, usually because you don't know it's a test and your true self answers the questions.  It's a weird process, but but one we need.  We can think we would do the right thing over and over.  
With me, I am sure if you know me, then I am sure you view me as opinionated among other things.  The truth is, I think I talk a big game on confrontation.  I view myself as passionate and struggling to have my voice heard.  I have learned over the years to really have your voice heard and to make a difference you need to speak less.  This is what I am working on.  Speaking less listening more.  It doesn't mean I am not talking, but rather listening to those around me.  I want people to say...he doesn't talk a lot but when he does it's truth, wise, smart, just what we needed, etc.   
This past week I faced a real test.  Something happened, and I was shell shocked to say the least.  I was completely blind sided, and I didn't really know what to do.  My feelings were hurt and I felt embarrassed.  I kind of went into this delusional place of telling myself, "I'm okay."  It is not a fun place, sulking is not in my nature so when it happens it challenges my thinking.  I just kept slipping into this place that I got really irrational.  I started to talk about moving on and away from something I really love.  It was that moment, I heard God clear as the day.  He challenged me into what I was going to do.  I felt like he said..."it's your move."  I have never played chess or really even know how, but I know it's all about strategy.  So, I called a friend told them what happened and what I should do.  They told me, well if you can't shake it then you must confront.  My friend also told me I was right to feel the way I did.  Feelings are not your barometer but you can not deny them.  That's really good advice.  It took a lot of guilt off my shoulders.  I was honest and told them of my irrationality, and then the advice I clung to's normal and it's okay, just don't let yourself act on your irrationality.  Oh that is really good advice. I sat back, and thought about it and prayed.  I thought about what it actually cost me.  I thought about why it bothered me.  I tried to get to the bottom of it.  I felt God showing me it was the surprise of it all that got me down.  It was my vulnerability was exploited.  It was the people who did this are people I super trust.  It noticed some thinking about the whole thing being blown out of proportion, and I heard myself say, "they didn't do this to internationally hurt me."  I knew I had reached to place that meant I needed to set a boundary.  I felt that if I was my friends I would want to know.  I called told them, and it all worked out.  Setting boundaries is so important.  

I heard God passed...

I am so glad


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