Friday, July 18, 2008

Isn't It Funny...

You know when you get to that place where you feel like you have everything you want. You so proudly boast about you newly found place of peace.  You just think, doesn't get any better.  Your feet barely touch the ground, you are so elated to be in this land of perfection.  You just are so unbelievably happy, and everyone who is around you wants to smack you everytime you tell that same story about blessed you are.  
Then out of the quiet of your heart, you are enveloped with the feeling of things changing, and shifting, and melding into something new.  All the sudden, while still maintaining some sort of decorum, your world is upside down.  You start questioning everything you have held near and dear to the heart.  Your brain is swamped with changing direction.  You feel like you are being pulled in many different directions.  You are in a state of being I like to call, "shake changing."  It's a place where everything is shaking and everything is changing.  I mean everything, mind, strength, desires, hopes, and even your passions, are changing.  It is such an uncomfortable and vulnerable place.  If you are like me, then you look back to those places you were just boasting about and try to convince yourself you did something wrong, and that's why you are forced to be in the place you're in now.  There is an old song by Sara Groves named "Painting Pictures of Egypt."  The chorus goes a little something like this:

"I been painting pictures of Egypt leaving out what if lacks, the future feels so hard and I don't want to go back."

The whole song is about this aforementioned "place."  We so long to be back where we were, but we don't really fit there, and we are finding it hard to fit where we are.  Just like the children of Israel; they actually stated that wanted to be slaves again.  When I read that in Exodus, I think how insane are they acting.  They had just watched miracle after miracle, and still they think being slaved is much more fun than living in the wilderness.  Then I examine my life and look at how unhappy and irrational I am when in the middle of the wilderness.  When all the things around me are changing, and I'm moving into a newness, but it's not what I expected, so I decided in my life to just hate it.  I fight against the things which are making you a better person.  All of this for God to change my character, and such.  I know myself well enough to know, when I am in the middle of change I cannot trust my emotions.  I am super sentimental, and that doesn't do well with newness. 
Just when you think you can't take anymore shifting; just when you are at the very end of every ounce of everything you have is exhausted.  In that stress you start to proceed into the place where you were promised, and you fought against the whole way......

Ahhh this place is the greatest place ever.  I love it.  It's so cool, and all my friends think so too.....
And the circle continues.....


Friday, July 11, 2008

I said it

I know, I am horrible.  I can't believe myself that I said it, but it came out of my mouth.  As soon as it tumbled down I knew I was going to be judged.  I was standing talking to someone I totally admire and I know they want what's best for me.  I just can't imagine why I got to that level of dissatisfaction.  I am sure by know your wondering what it is I said....well.  It might suprise you.  I had grown stale in my church and said, "I just feel like I am not being feed here anymore."  

Those 10 words have different meanings to others, but to me, it made me want to vomit that I would say such a thing.  When I have heard this phrase in the past, it had meant, "our feelings are hurt." "We lost our position." "We are not the big fish in the little bowl." or even "We're bored in our lives."
So you can see from my short history this was not a good situation, and I was at the end of my rope.  You can see the frustration, and the immaturity of it all.  As I began to pray into what I thought God was wanting me to do.  I kept hearing Him say, it's time to give, it's time to serve.  I long hard gulp to get that down.  I mean if He only knew what serving looked like when I was doing it last..... (of course He knew, and saw it all)

So, I started teaching 4th Grade sunday school.  Did take it too seriously, but it was fun.  I love kids, they have such a great perspective.  Well, then one of my friends decided I needed to go and help with the 5th and 6th graders.  Then two of my other friends peer pressured me into working on Wednesday night and Sunday mornings.  I loved it.  I loved every ounce of it.  I started to see what I know I was suppose to.  Going to church is only half of our job.  The Other half is to give it all away.  We give out of our overflow, so it not like really giving.  It's giving what what have spilled out and not used.  It's crazy but it's so true.  It's just the way God works.   Don't believe me?  Try it.....


Monday, July 07, 2008


tragic, sad, lament, weeping, anguish, and doubt.
Those have been my friends lately.  I know it doesn't sound fun.  In fact it is quite the opposite.  Life has a way of making it up to you.  I just hate this moment in time.  I say that knowing the newness is coming, but right now is really tough.  I have spent days warding off depression, and trying to balance my feelings.  I have struck out at people, and have withdrawn from many.  It's just that my granddad isn't getting any better, and actually he has worsened.  My mom the consummate nurse, went to visit and called me worried about his health.  "He is just so weak," she exclaimed on the phone; "He doesn't have enough energy to get up to go the bathroom."  I broke up, and sat down and cried, and cried, and cried.  
I have never seen my granddad weak.  I have never seen him defeated.  He is strength, and courage.  He laughed everything off, and now he is weak and not laughing.  It's too much.  I can't see him like that.  I just can't.  I must see him, and I must be with him.  It is too hard, it's too unsafe.  I love him dearly, and trully.  He is just a character.  He is my friend.  He is as stubborn as an ox, but has the heart of a lion.  My mom said he is getting really upset because people are having to help him, and it hit me like  a ton of bricks.  THAT'S IT!  That's what's buggin me! The mand who has been the the picture of strength is weak.  It's a major role reversal which I was not prepared to see.  Oh, it is not fun, cancer sucks, and I hate it.