Tuesday, June 26, 2007

I'm Lost

Now, before you assume, I am not backsliding or anything like that. I simply realized my desires are changing. I am sick of my job and desiring to find something else. Now, that might be a normal thing to you, but to me that is news. I mean I loved my job at one time, and I am good at my job, but my desires are changing. It is weird. VERY weird. I like the idea of going through change, I am not so happy where I am. Not that I am depressed but I would just like some security in what I am doing. When you work for a non profit it all depends on funding. Finding funding, and allocating funding. It is sometimes a vicious cycle sometimes. It is kill or be killed, or better said; if you don't kill it you don't eat it. I don't know really what is going on, but I know that God has shown me some things and is really working on me about some issues. Mostly my attitude towards people and places, and those changes are, hopefully evident. Now, I know what dissenters will say, didn't you just change jobs. Well that was almost 2 years ago, and I am in a WAY different place right now. I am not sure where this new creative juices are going to take me, but I do know that wherever it takes me, I will be doing what God does. He creates.....more to come I have to go back to work!

Thursday, June 21, 2007

I have big feet...

Well, really, I don't have that big of feet. I only wear a size eleven and for a 6'4" person those are pretty small feet. But today I thought I would put my feet in my mouth today, and I realized that it is hard to put a size eleven in my mouth. I don't know why; I have a massively large mouth, and it gets me into trouble so many times it isn't funny. Well, really it is never funny. When you hurt others who are friends; it's never cool. I am such a horrible representative of a Christian, and I apologize. It isn't God when you aren't loving, and sarcasm is always wrong. ALWAYS, and that is how I joke all the time. Dang it, I hate this feeling. I hate it when you know that you hurt someone, regardless of my intentions, it still hurt and defamed someone. Why would I do that, what possesses someone to do that. I don't know, and I am the last person you should ask. I have a long way to go.......I mean a L-O-N-G way to go. i am not sure what this whole things is, but I do not it isn't love, and that is what's wrong. When you act, say, live in love then you have nothing to worry about. Otherwise, you never know if it isn't fueled by love. What a Schmuck!

Vaya Con Dios

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

What's in a name...

So, I am still writing my book, man is it exhilarating. I love it, but I needed a little break. I looked up what my name meant; and hopefully there isn't much to a name. My name means "BADGER". Now, that is no fun. I can't imagine that has anything to do with my character. Well, you know me so, maybe it does! It is a little depressing when people say things like: "my name means glory to God...or my name means peace beyond measure." I am sure you can imagine the horrid look on their face when I say, "My name means badger." (followed by gestures that are suppose to mimic what I believe badgers do, it doesn't at all if you were wondering) Oh it is funny to me! Thank God I am valued by Him based on Jesus and not my name!

Vaya Con Dios

Sunday, June 17, 2007

I called my dad...

It is, after all, Farther's Day, so I called my dad right when I got out fo church. Ring.....ring.....ring.....no answer. I thought to myself, "I wonder where they are, and why they are not at home."
I watched on TV, dad's that loved their children, and I started to think about my childhood. I grew up in a middle class family. I didn't get everything I wanted, but kids shouldn't. My parent's were both from small towns, and were not really church going people. My dad was an alcoholic, and he was intoxicated almost every evening. When I was a child, just thought I had the most fun dad of all. I later realized his thick tongue antics were nothing but a drunken binge. There is definetely a difference between ignorance to the issue and knowledge followed by total embarrassement. Once I realized what was at play, my dad and I's relationship never recovered. I was angry, and I wasn't giving in. I held him at arms length even after he sobered. I refused to let him in. In fact, I am not sure if today, he is still a little hurt by that.

After my parent's divorced, I pretty much disowned my dad. He, in a numb and hearbroken state, couldn't must up the strength, striped by my childish antics, to come and build a relationship with me. I was horrible to him, I just had so much anger built up I couldn't just love him. I know people don't always say this, but I will, I did not love him. I was the victim, he was the peace taker. He took my peace, and I resented it. I wrote him a nasty note aobut how he wasn't my dad......what a a wretched thing to do. What a piece of crap. I can't believe I did that. I can honestly say, my dad, God bless his heart, tried to be the best dad he could, while dealing with alcoholism, meeting the needs of a family, and having the maturity of a 16; as that was the age he was when he started to drink, which you never mature after. So basically he was a teenager raising kids. That is a lot of pressure for one man to bear, especially when you are not a Christian. He didn't know the Lord, but he was about to.

I remember the day he walked down to recieve Christ, I was shocked.
He and I are really good friends today, I can honestly say I love him. He isn't perfect but, he's my dad and when I called him today, he cried because he loves me and misses spending time with me. THAT is a father, that is MY dad!

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Paradigm Torque

So, I finally bought the book, and started to read it. It is shifting me, and challenging my beliefs. I like that. I wasn't so sure I was going to like it, people said it was a little anti establishment. I assumed it was just another person who is mad at the church and has written a book in hopes that the Church would get back in line. I thought it would be some liberal fanatic who wants people to know that not all Christians are republicans. Surprisingly it isn't any of those things. It is all about religion and how Christians cling to what they are taught instead of finding out for themselves. I have, at best, been a little convicted. I am so selfish, and judgemental, and I really relation to Don Miller's problems he has faced. He is so transparent in the book, and I love that. It you are looking for a good book pick it up. i will post more later, but I just wanted to get that off my chest!

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

What a week!

This is the week of insanity! At work this week I have the biggest event I do all year. It is an animal, but it is FUN! Besides that I have had to work all weekend, and all this week. There is a firefighter convention in Amarillo, and since firefighter do so much for us, we get to attend their meetings. Last night we hosted a hospitality room for the FF's. I am pretty sure they drink beer like it is water, and they get a little crazy at times. They are the most fun group we are associated with. I am humbled by their courage and their absolute humility. Firefighters are a rare breed; they give so much to the community in the area of safety but then in between there other jobs they raise money for MDA. It is a great partnership. Everyone loves firefighters, and when they are responding to a call EVERYONE is glad they are there. Police, on the other hand, are not always as welcomed then they respond to their calls. I am fortunate to get to know them, and to see them on a regular basis. Local 542 is the union number for the Amarillo ff's, and they are the best FF's in the state of TEXAS. They raised $36,000 in this year's Fill The Boot drive, and they are among the modern days hero's in my book. They are a blessing to behold, and the most loyal people on the planet. The flop side, is they never forget anything. If you do wrong by them they will never forget, but once they are part of the family, they will never divorce the family, and they are like that uncle that you can always depend on.
Wish me luck this week, the families we serve are depending on us, and I NEVER want to disappoint them!

Vaya Con Dios

Friday, June 08, 2007

e-words of wisdom

A couple of days ago I sent the following message to a friend. While I pondered it and tried to dissect it, I got inspired. I wanted to share it with you, and things that I thought of after I hit the sent button. I can't tell you really where all this came from, but it started as a drip and slowly the floodgates opened, and I couldn't stop. The email started as an encouraging word, but later snowballed into this work of wise alliterations. I take NO credit for this, it seems to be inspired but God. If that isn't your cup of tea, I don't care. Sorry, if that is rude, but it's the truth.

I don't know God's plans for you, truthfully I haven't asked, but I know a couple of things, yellow sno-cones make me happy, and the flat lands of Amarillo are my home. Be blessed beyond measure, but don't forget to give thanks. God has a way of showing Himself in times of trials, but that doesn't mean He forgets us. Play in the dirt, don't eat mud pies. Ponder your life, and get the vision, then it's like sailing, going where the wind takes you. After all it is much easier to use the wind than to paddle the boat on your own. Keep fresh ideas tucked in your heart, and don't let the ways of the world discourage your potential. Wisdom comes, when idleness leaves. You are always attacked when you are on the edge of your promise land. It is the way it works, stay strong, and don't lose heart. Keep the faith, and fight the good fight. Stay humble, we never know all the variables, but we do know the One who does. Learn to fight in seasons of rest, but don't forget the sword is heavy when you don't know how to yield it to God. Look out your window and behold your future, but don't lose your grasp on the now. Cracked pots can always be glued, but a million pieces is a lot of work. Watch out for snakes, and feed the lambs. Help others, and help yourself. Indulge yourself in oxygen, just remember how intricate your body is. Hug often, laugh more. It is easier to lose your innocent, but impossible to lose His love. When you think your done, check one more time. Let excellence be your standard; perfectionism is impossible. Take long walks, enjoy your home. Don't get caught up in gossip, and be loyal to your friends. Talk about yourself less, and ask questions of other more. Never shed that skin of a child, but take responsibility for your own actions. Never loose heart, but keep your head on. Chase things with wild abandonment, but don't get off the path. Keep you head on straight, but don't be an adult at heart. Seasons change but love never does. Come home, but don't always know where you are. When in doubt, don't freight the changes that come. Beg for mercy, but don't regret mistakes. Learn from others, even donkey's. Keep your heart guarded but don't withhold love. Share your feeling, they are after all only what one man in one situation has to offer up. Keep friends, show your enemy's you care. If you lose, get back to the starting gate. And finally, once you do what you are called to, destiny will be yours, and that destiny will affect the world. Smile more frown less!

Vaya Con Dios

Monday, June 04, 2007


"I feel strongly about mementos, memorabilia you call them." -Edy Beale (Grey Gardens)
I love them. They are, to me, those things you keep in a box or on your wall that remind you of a place in your history that touches you deeply, or brings in a well of fresh water, because you remember the events that took place when you where there in that time and place. I have a molded plastic bunny rabbit that I got out of the quarter machines at my grandparent's restaurant. The memory attached to that is priceless to me. I would go up to the restaurant and bus tables, and hang out with the waitresses and get their entire life story. Every time my parents would come up there I would ask for a quarter to go put in what my dad called the "junk machines." The Chuck Wagon was a greasy spoon restaurant that my grandparents bought as an investment. I remember my uncle managed the it and sometimes when I was lucky I got to go up and work.....if I only knew now that that wasn't fun, I probably wouldn't today. I have kept that little thing in a drawer, it makes me happy.
I was thinking the other day about my life, as I pretty much do every time I am faced with a crossroad. I think of how blessed I am to live in America, Texas, Amarillo. The sunsets are unbelievable. While I was thinking God reminded me about how the Israelites would place twelve stones piled up in a place of remembrance. I like that idea. Placing twelve stones in significant places in your life, at the place where God did something awesome, and showed His faithfulness to you even while there are billion upon billions of others. He paused and came to your rescue, deliverance, and mercy. It is in those times, that we have a choice to make, develop our relationship with God so we are not in those places, or simply thank Him for getting us out of another hole, drought, or desert place. These things aren't always bad, sometimes they are just god showing us He cares. I read the Bible and I see how much He loves and cares for us, but when He puts those words in to action and proves His word to be true, it proves to us that His Word is true and that gives us faith to believe the impossible.
One of the stone monuments for me, was when I was in Clovis working my tail off for 8 months, and then suddenly, I was offered the job to work with the Muscular Dystrophy Association, and I realized why I went through many of the trainings and trials that I did. All of my experiences to that point readied me to take the job head on. Now, I stand here in the grassy knoll and happen upon a fork in the path that God is taking me. I don't know really what path God wants me to go down, but I do know that His BEST, is what I want. That, truthfully, is all I need. Thank God I am not in control of my own destiny, but simply pointed in the direction I should go. I love that feeling, it isn't my decision to make, but rather His to show me.

Vaya con Dios