Friday, March 02, 2007

Deepend, widend, dying

Do you ever feel like you are slide down a rope and the panic that it is coming to an end and you are going to fall, and fall hard? But then you reach down and you see you have 10 more feet to really stop and that is more than enough to get it done!? I sometimes feel like life is out of control and I am Alice falling down the pit only being stopped by the millions of hands that are mysteriously covering the walls of the hole. I know that sounds like I am about to tell you how depressed I am, but the truth is, I am surprisingly good. I am not going to lie, I have have a tough six months, I am not just putting on a rough-and-tough heart has been broken, and broken so bad, I truly didn't know if/when it was possible to fix. That is when I knew I was in trouble, when I started to doubt the power of God in my life. I have realized no one has a peachy life all the time, they just don't freak out which is something I think I do too much. You know I really love life, but it has been hard getting out of bed lately, or really the past few months. But God is always faithful, even when we put up a wall and say: "This is as far as you can come." I find it a funny that while I think i don't' want more intimacy with the person who knows me and my intentions better than anyone else, I keep muddling under my breath these prayers for faith, fury, protection, wisdom, and patience. That is the most ridiculous double talk, I think I have even heard myself utter. I find that once you know God, getting away from Him is the impossible part, and just at that moment of weakness, He sends someone something in your path. Not as a judgement, but rather a gentle reminder that He is there, and He is love. That is what I think I need in life. The ability to say to is okay that you are getting away from me, you know me, and you know you can't live without me. Passion is a funny thing sometimes, just then you think that you are passionate, you meet the person who is more passionate that you. You don't' always do the best thing when you are passionate about something, but you always have in mind that thing, that motivating factor, that drug, my life I have had passions, some stay long enough to see the development of something great, some of them are gone before morning dawn breaks. But all in all, I have had passion, and truly I would rather have had fleeting passion that goes through your hand like fine sand, than to never have embark on the journey of seeing your dreams come to life. Regardless of how stupid I look in my life, and if you know me, then you know I have done some dumb things quite often, I will not give up on three things.....the pursuit of life, and all that that entails such as adventures, discovering (self and environmental), painting, learning, gaining wisdom form elders, quiet embraces, long walks on the beach, happiness, confidence in extremely diverse circumstances, and most of all my pursuit of God....that is the is life; life to the there any other way to live? The second is similar to the first, and it is family. What can I say, you have got to have family. Who else would encourage you in your wildest pursuits? To me, you need those bonds. You need that part of life. God is so go to bless me with a family that, even though was not perfect, leaned on God to get it right. I say that, and I can hear people say..."my family was hell." Well, I never make excuses for my actions or my families. My parents are divorced, and my dad was a raging alcoholic most of my upbringing. Doesn't seem like a fairy tale does it? The truth is God can redeem that, and He can take that and make it good, and use it to better you and the kingdom at hand. Family stays with you through the fire and through the smoke. Does my childhood upbringing effect my behavior, feeling, actions....that is question I always get. Truly, I know it does, even today. I know my dad is never going to be the picture perfect dad. Actually that does not exist, in even the best dads. That is why God is our heavenly father, He isn't called that only because He is is in heaven. The truth is, as God wrote the Bible, He wanted us to know how much good He had for us....He wanted us to know He was/is the picture perfect father. I love that about Him, He just spills all the beans, and makes no amends for the truth. God is so cut and dry that truth is His standard, and truth is a good standard, because that means that there is no argument. The third is friends....gosh that sounds so perfect, but the truth is...I am done with playmates. I want and need friends. Those are the people that make a difference. Those are the ones that will tell are wrong, right, left, right, crazy, delusional, insane, wise, willing, and able. God send those to me. I am sick of feeling like I am in 3rd grade at recess and playing tag. I want friends that will speak into my life. God is so in control of those things.....sheesh...that is a lot to absorb. I didn't plan on this being this long, but I knew I needed to get those things off my chest. God is good

Vaya con Dios


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