Thursday, April 26, 2007


Okay, I am going to admit something that may or may not suprise you....I love Joni Mitchell! I am not kidding. She has a way of just writing songs that are amazing....I love them. It is funny, I well not really, but I listen to her while the world is in turmoil. The VT slayings really hit a nerve for me. I am not sure why, except that I am close to the ages of some of the students...I am just our of college for 4 years, this year. Anyways, I think it is even a little bit more weird for me, and anyone I went to high school with. Columbine, was my senior year in high school, it was tough, but I shrugged and moved on. I can't believe the niavity that I had then. It is so weird, that didn't effect me, until really now. When you are in high school, you think, and you are wrong, that you know everything. You don't, you won't, and can't. I still dont' think I know anything. Sure, I went to college and got my education, but that doesn't a genious make. Now, I see, what I didn't see in high school, how close the tradgedy is to you. VT, although it is thousands of miles away, really isn't all that too far from me in the scope of things. I am not scared, and I don't walk around afraid of this happening in my home town, even though in the reality of things, it could. I have peace, if I go, I know where I am headed, and I won't be mad. As I watched the media, pimp out the students like they were ten dollar hookers, I thought to myself: I am so glad I didn't go into journalism. I am not sure, even though I was recieving a paycheck from them, I could stand in front of the lights, camera, and the glitz of it all, and shove a microphone in the face of students, who in their shocked comatosed states, blurted out statements so that the adoring audience could here my cute commentary about how tradegic this all is. I can't believe it, I can imagine it, I am so glad I am where I am. I watched in horror as NBC, in all their absolute obsurdity, released the manafesto of the killer. I griped my chair, and I and yelled at myu television set: "Don't you get it...idiots, this is what he wanted. We wanted the publicity, and you, who are trying to make a buck on the backs of 32 dead people, don't care.!" I was so upset, and couldn't stop my mind from wondering about who would copy this, and how it would be carried out. The situation was picture-perfect for a someone to take the bait and copy the VT killer. Please pray for God to foil that plan! We can't do it, if we dig in. Anyways, I just thought I would give you a little bit of what's on my heart. Here are some lyrics of Joni's I love here.

Slouching Towards Bethlehem

Turning and turning
Within the widening gyre
The falcon cannot hear the falconer
Things fall apart
The center cannot hold
And a blood dimmed tide
Is loosed upon the world

Nothing is sacred
The ceremony sinks
Innocence is drowned
In anarchy
The best lack conviction
Given some time to think
And the worst are full of passion
Without mercy

Surely some revelation is at hand
Surely it's the second coming
And the wrath has finally taken form
For what is this rough beast
Its hour come at last
Slouching toward Bethlehem to be born
Slouching toward Bethlehem to be born

Hoping and hoping
As if by my weak faith
The spirit of this world
Would heal and rise
Vast are the shadows
That straddle and strafe
And struggle in the darkness
Troubling my eyes

Shaped like a lion
It has the head of a man
With a gaze as blank
And pitiless as the sun
And it's moving its slow thighs
Across the desert sands
Through dark indignant
Reeling falcons

Surely some revelation is at hand
Surely it's the second coming
And wrath has finally taken form
For what is this rough beast
Its hour come at last
Slouching toward Bethlehem to be born
Slouching toward Bethlehem to be born

Raging and raging
It rises from the deep
Opening its eyes
After twenty centuries
Vexed to a nigcfmare
Out of a stony sleep
By a rocking cradle
By the Sea of Galilee

Surely some revelation is at hand
Surely it's the second coming
And wrath has finally taken form
For what is this rough beast
Its hour come at last
Slouching toward Bethlehem to be born
Slouching toward Bethlehem to be born

Saturday, April 14, 2007

I am writing a book here is the first chapter or so....

I remember while in the process of becoming a Christian, I was confused about who God truly was, and what He could be in my life and I say process because it took about 11 years from beginning to end. I was somewhat involved in my a youth group while I was a child. I went to all the “big” theatrical things. I went forward in the midst of the adults to lay my “true love waits” card on the alterish thing we had at the denominational church I grew up in. It is funny to me today, that I was willing to do that, I was so proud of myself that day. I thought that all my desires would be gone until it was time to get married. Man was I wrong, your desires only grow. I guess had I truly been saved after walking up to the front to “receive” Christ, if I would had been stronger; I would have been able to worship Him and sit under the shadow of His wing. I remember the youth group in two different ways, one while in church, everyone perfect and completely in a harmonious group, loving our neighbor was the right thing to do after all. Second, on Monday at school, the people that I thought I knew would not talk to me, or even act like I was alive. Now, this was the culture of the church, we all had our plastic smiles on, everyone is okay and life is so good. Our children are perfect little angels and of course they would do nothing wrong. My life was not perfect, my life was not good, in fact my life was on the verge of collapsing. I was scared everyday…
Not by things like someone murdering my family, or what was lurking outside my window, or even about the bully at school. I was scared that I was going to lose my family. You see, all of my friends were from families that had a mother and a father. They had the 2.5 kids, really they had everything, except the white picket fence, only because those were not popular back then. My dad, whom I have respect for and love today, was a raging alcoholic, and I cannot remember a time he told me he loved me. He was never there emotionally for me, and I never could get his attention. We tried bonding, and doing all the things that you are told to do when you are in therapy, but we just never could make a close bond. I know now that he couldn’t bond with me, he was in a relationship with alcohol, and it was consuming his time. He had started drinking while he was in high school; doctors say when an alcoholic starts drinking, they stop maturing at that point. He was a 15 year old trying to support his family, raise kids, and be enveloped by his addiction. Something had to give, he was being pulled in too many directions, and it was his relationship with me. I had no instruction on how to play sports, talk to girls, shave, and all those things many men take for granted. Here were no handouts, you had to fight for change and for things. My mom was a great mom, but she could not meet the need a boy needs to have a great father. I laugh now, because all along I had my heavenly Father who is truly the BEST father on earth. Think this is the time when I decided God didn’t care, well that is what I said on the outside. I always knew God was real, and more selfishly knew that hell was real. I had a hard time going to the youth group and sitting there hearing about how everyone was perfect, and everything was okay and good, and I knew what was waiting for me when I got home. I slowly and surely let go and quit, church, life, anf the pursuit of God. It was a that moment I failed the test, and I decided if I was going to sin, I was going to live it up huge.
I love how, while yet in the middle of my sin, God convicted me. I knew the things I was doing were completely wrong, and all along He left the thousands and thousands of His flock to chase me. That is unbelievable; I have a problem leaving a room full of people to check and make sure the person who just burst out in tears is alright. I am so selfish at times.

Thursday, April 05, 2007


So, this has been an intersting couple of weeks. I found out one of my friend's grandpaw died; I hate alzhiemer's! Then I found out another friend's dad died; I hate cancer! It is so sad, I can see that two of my friends are trully suffering...I hate death, but I love death. That is some double talk! I hate death because you don't get to see the person anymore. If they are Christian then you know you will someday, but that doesn't take the pain of right now away. That thought only gives you hope....hope is a powerful thing. Doesn't mean you won't grieve, and it doesn't mean life will get easier, but with hope there is a sustaining that comes. It is just like when you beleive in Christ, you are putting ALL of your hope and faith in ONE basket. You are believing in someone you have never met, and trusting that He is who is autobiography says He is. That takes hope, and faith.

Then, I found out today, that my friends Amy & Jason Archuleta....went ahead and decided that they need to get pregnant....well really Amy is pregnant....but the two shall become one. Anyways, it is a little wierd that Amy and Jason will be answering to the names, mom and dad. I am gonna have to get use to that. Have a great Easter...

Be blessed