I am writing a book here is the first chapter or so....

I remember while in the process of becoming a Christian, I was confused about who God truly was, and what He could be in my life and I say process because it took about 11 years from beginning to end. I was somewhat involved in my a youth group while I was a child. I went to all the “big” theatrical things. I went forward in the midst of the adults to lay my “true love waits” card on the alterish thing we had at the denominational church I grew up in. It is funny to me today, that I was willing to do that, I was so proud of myself that day. I thought that all my desires would be gone until it was time to get married. Man was I wrong, your desires only grow. I guess had I truly been saved after walking up to the front to “receive” Christ, if I would had been stronger; I would have been able to worship Him and sit under the shadow of His wing. I remember the youth group in two different ways, one while in church, everyone perfect and completely in a harmonious group, loving our neighbor was the right thing to do after all. Second, on Monday at school, the people that I thought I knew would not talk to me, or even act like I was alive. Now, this was the culture of the church, we all had our plastic smiles on, everyone is okay and life is so good. Our children are perfect little angels and of course they would do nothing wrong. My life was not perfect, my life was not good, in fact my life was on the verge of collapsing. I was scared everyday…
Not by things like someone murdering my family, or what was lurking outside my window, or even about the bully at school. I was scared that I was going to lose my family. You see, all of my friends were from families that had a mother and a father. They had the 2.5 kids, really they had everything, except the white picket fence, only because those were not popular back then. My dad, whom I have respect for and love today, was a raging alcoholic, and I cannot remember a time he told me he loved me. He was never there emotionally for me, and I never could get his attention. We tried bonding, and doing all the things that you are told to do when you are in therapy, but we just never could make a close bond. I know now that he couldn’t bond with me, he was in a relationship with alcohol, and it was consuming his time. He had started drinking while he was in high school; doctors say when an alcoholic starts drinking, they stop maturing at that point. He was a 15 year old trying to support his family, raise kids, and be enveloped by his addiction. Something had to give, he was being pulled in too many directions, and it was his relationship with me. I had no instruction on how to play sports, talk to girls, shave, and all those things many men take for granted. Here were no handouts, you had to fight for change and for things. My mom was a great mom, but she could not meet the need a boy needs to have a great father. I laugh now, because all along I had my heavenly Father who is truly the BEST father on earth. Think this is the time when I decided God didn’t care, well that is what I said on the outside. I always knew God was real, and more selfishly knew that hell was real. I had a hard time going to the youth group and sitting there hearing about how everyone was perfect, and everything was okay and good, and I knew what was waiting for me when I got home. I slowly and surely let go and quit, church, life, anf the pursuit of God. It was a that moment I failed the test, and I decided if I was going to sin, I was going to live it up huge.
I love how, while yet in the middle of my sin, God convicted me. I knew the things I was doing were completely wrong, and all along He left the thousands and thousands of His flock to chase me. That is unbelievable; I have a problem leaving a room full of people to check and make sure the person who just burst out in tears is alright. I am so selfish at times.