Monday, July 07, 2008


tragic, sad, lament, weeping, anguish, and doubt.
Those have been my friends lately.  I know it doesn't sound fun.  In fact it is quite the opposite.  Life has a way of making it up to you.  I just hate this moment in time.  I say that knowing the newness is coming, but right now is really tough.  I have spent days warding off depression, and trying to balance my feelings.  I have struck out at people, and have withdrawn from many.  It's just that my granddad isn't getting any better, and actually he has worsened.  My mom the consummate nurse, went to visit and called me worried about his health.  "He is just so weak," she exclaimed on the phone; "He doesn't have enough energy to get up to go the bathroom."  I broke up, and sat down and cried, and cried, and cried.  
I have never seen my granddad weak.  I have never seen him defeated.  He is strength, and courage.  He laughed everything off, and now he is weak and not laughing.  It's too much.  I can't see him like that.  I just can't.  I must see him, and I must be with him.  It is too hard, it's too unsafe.  I love him dearly, and trully.  He is just a character.  He is my friend.  He is as stubborn as an ox, but has the heart of a lion.  My mom said he is getting really upset because people are having to help him, and it hit me like  a ton of bricks.  THAT'S IT!  That's what's buggin me! The mand who has been the the picture of strength is weak.  It's a major role reversal which I was not prepared to see.  Oh, it is not fun, cancer sucks, and I hate it.  



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