These days

I sometimes find it hard to breath.  I find myself getting offended at the things I see in front of me.  I don't like it, not even a little.  It just seems like all the horrendous things happen all at once.  When you are just getting your breath back from the getting punched in the stomach, life hits you right in the gut.....again.  It how the circle goes, if we can lose out hope then we are defeated.  If we don't have anything in front of us to live for, we will implode on ourselves.  That's what I hate about having an enemy. It's as if everywhere you go you have to keep sober.  You must keep what we call your "wits about you."  I hate it.  I have recently seen the aftermath of battles in which the person didn't have this victorious.  I mean they are in heaven and what only see through our veiled eyes, they now know it all.  It's just that I am not sure how to feel about it. OF COURSE it's mournful, but the fact that they were taken way before anyone should,  is what I am walking through. 

Then I have another friend who was dealt some adversity, and absolutely amazed me at what God did through them.  I just don't understand what the difference is.  I am just in that fleshing it out moment.  I asked the "big" questions, which are only really big to me.  It's tough sometimes to ask God the questions you aren't sure you want to answers to. But as always He answers with such a passion, enthusiasm, and love.  It's not for us to know everything now, and probably when we have the capacity to know we won't care.  It's just that we always questions and sometimes God is mum on answers......i think for more of the reason that the answer to one question would lead to more questions, more than He doesn't want us to know.  He just so loves us. 

peace

-b   

Testing Testing Testing 1, 2, 3.....

So as luck would have it, I have been facing a lot of testing in the past few days....weeks.  I say this, and I am sure it's coming across like it was and is a horrible thing.  Truthfully, I don't like testing.  I have never been a good test taker.  It's not my favorite thing, but it's not tough or scary, usually because you don't know it's a test and your true self answers the questions.  It's a weird process, but but one we need.  We can think we would do the right thing over and over.  

With me, I am sure if you know me, then I am sure you view me as opinionated among other things.  The truth is, I think I talk a big game on confrontation.  I view myself as passionate and struggling to have my voice heard.  I have learned over the years to really have your voice heard and to make a difference you need to speak less.  This is what I am working on.  Speaking less listening more.  It doesn't mean I am not talking, but rather listening to those around me.  I want people to say...he doesn't talk a lot but when he does it's truth, wise, smart, just what we needed, etc.   

This past week I faced a real test.  Something happened, and I was shell shocked to say the least.  I was completely blind sided, and I didn't really know what to do.  My feelings were hurt and I felt embarrassed.  I kind of went into this delusional place of telling myself, "I'm okay."  It is not a fun place, sulking is not in my nature so when it happens it challenges my thinking.  I just kept slipping into this place that I got really irrational.  I started to talk about moving on and away from something I really love.  It was that moment, I heard God clear as the day.  He challenged me into what I was going to do.  I felt like he said..."it's your move."  I have never played chess or really even know how, but I know it's all about strategy.  So, I called a friend told them what happened and what I should do.  They told me, well if you can't shake it then you must confront.  My friend also told me I was right to feel the way I did.  Feelings are not your barometer but you can not deny them.  That's really good advice.  It took a lot of guilt off my shoulders.  I was honest and told them of my irrationality, and then the advice I clung to hear....it's normal and it's okay, just don't let yourself act on your irrationality.  Oh that is really good advice. I sat back, and thought about it and prayed.  I thought about what it actually cost me.  I thought about why it bothered me.  I tried to get to the bottom of it.  I felt God showing me it was the surprise of it all that got me down.  It was my vulnerability was exploited.  It was the people who did this are people I super trust.  It noticed some thinking about the whole thing being blown out of proportion, and I heard myself say, "they didn't do this to internationally hurt me."  I knew I had reached to place that meant I needed to set a boundary.  I felt that if I was my friends I would want to know.  I called told them, and it all worked out.  Setting boundaries is so important.  

I heard God say...you passed...

I am so glad

peace

-b

Thus is life

I hate when people say that. It drives me crazy. As if we are some pitiful useless bag of bones without purpose. It's so funny. Ever time I think I have it tough I think of all those who are less fortunate. I think its horrible that we argue over the correct way to help those in need, those people who really can't help themselves are just standing there watching us act like those kids first grade. I hate it. I absolutely think it is silly to argue over "if" and "how" the help. I don't think help needs to be fought over, but rather everyone doing their part. It's the red tape that corrupts the systems. It's not a political issue, but a heart issue. I am stirred EVERY time I talk or see those in need. Now I am not perfect and I can't hep everyone, that's an impossible challenge for me.

I feel super small and inept when it comes to solving the world's multiple problems. I just don't have all the answers. I was listening to a song the other day, a song that has become one I think touches on this feeling. It "I like Giants" by Kimya Dawson....

Here are the lyrics, with emphasis added

I Like Giants

When I go for a drive I like to pull off to the side
Of the road, turn out the lights, get out and look up at the sky
And I do this to remind me that I'm really, really tiny
In the grand scheme of things and sometimes this terrifies me

But it's only really scary cause it makes me feel serene
In a way I never thought I'd be because I've never been
So grounded, and so humbled, and so one with everything
I am grounded, I am humbled, I am one with everything

Rock and roll is fun but if you ever hear someone
Say you are huge, look at the moon, look at the stars, look at the sun
Look at the ocean and the desert and the mountains and the sky
Say I am just a speck of dust inside a giant's eye
I am just a speck of dust inside a giant's eye

When I saw Geneviève I really liked it when she said
What she said about the giant and the lemmings on the cliff
She said 'I like giants
Especially girl giants
Cause all girls feel too big sometimes
Regardless of their size'

When I go for a drive I like to pull off to the side
Of the road and run and jump into the ocean in my clothes
I'm smaller than a poppyseed inside a great big bowl
And the ocean is a giant that can swallow me whole

So I swim for all salvation and I swim to save my soul
But my soul is just a whisper trapped inside a tornado
So I flip to my back and I float and I sing
I am grounded, I am humbled, I am one with everything
I am grounded, I am humbled, I am one with everything

So I talked to Geneviève and almost cried when she said
That the giant on the cliff wished that she was dead
And the lemmings on the cliff wished that they were dead
So the giant told the lemmings why they ought to live instead

When she thought up all those reasons that they ought to live instead
It made her reconsider all the sad thoughts in her head
So thank you Geneviève, cause you take what is in your head
And you make things that are so beautiful and share them with your friends

We all become important when we realize our goal
Should be to figure out our role within the context of the whole
And yeah, rock and roll is fun, but if you ever hear someone
Say you are huge, look at the moon, look at the stars, look at the sun
Look at the ocean and the desert and the mountains and the sky

Say I am just a speck of dust inside a giant's eye
I am just a speck of dust inside a giant's eye
I am just a speck of dust inside a giant's eye
And I don't wanna make her cry
Cause I like giants

That's IT! "We all become important when we realize our goal should be to figure out our role within the context of the whole." It takes us all for change. It takes all of us to make the change this world needs. If we could just motivate the vast majority into action....but thus is life.....GRRRR!!!


Just some thoughts

peace,
-b

Unbelievable!

I think there are just a few times in our lives when we can look back and think, "wow that really determined the direction my life took."  It's even more amazing to see it happen right in front of you.  

I can't believe it, but God is using my mouth...which I love, but never thought would happen.  I recently was able to take a retreat with the 5th and 6th graders whom I work with every week.  Along with a slew of other people, and was blessed every minute of the trip.  The pastor of the 5th and 6th graders approached me and asked if I could be the one who taught the lessons and activate the kids in the things we were to discuss.  I have to say I NEVER saw that coming, and in fact I felt a little overwhelmed with it.  I turned back to say no, I don't think I am interested in that, and just then something rose up inside of me and said: "Sure, I would love to."  I was a little puzzled by my reaction after the inner monologue that just transpired! I actually heard myself say yes.  Then the dread of the impending day hit me like a hail stones hit the ground break into a million little pieces of ice.  The weight of it all was a little bit more than I have ever felt.  BUT I knew, even if I couldn't see right in front of me, God was all over it, and actually I knew He was the one who called this into being. 

I just started to pray and really get a vision for what He wanted me to say.  It is such a nice place to be.... absolutely dependent.  If this doesn't seem like it would, trust me, when you know you can't do it without Him; you will understand.  

Anyway, the retreat was awesome, and some of the kids have gone home and changed their parents views on some things.  The kids have changed their families, and I am amazing at the ripple from a meeting and how awesome God is......humbled absolutely humbled....God is good...indeed

peace 

-b    

Involvement

I am blessed, truly blessed.  I have the privilege of working with 5th and 6th graders at my church.  I have worked with them on and off for over seven years.  The kids I started out working with are now seniors in high school and freshmen in college.  I can't believe it.  I stopped for a year or two so I could really work with the college ministry.  

Then I was asked to help again....I very reluctantly said yes.  It is the best decision I have ever made.  In fact, I love that I said YES.  It took me a year to really figure out what the heck I was doing.  I came and served with a sort of religiousness and obligation.  It was a very dry serving for about 6 months.  I got nothing out of it.  I want did my time, punched the clock, got a smiley face on my test, and went home.  Involvement is so important, belonging, and serving is what God wants for us.  I have to say I not only served on wednesday but also Sunday's.  Seriously, it was not easy, and I tried to weasel out of it on numerous occasions but felt compelled to finish.  I was asked to speak, and those that know me know I hate public speaking, but I have been well prepared to get up and speak things.  It's sort of the way God does it in me.  I can plan and plan and stir and got for it, but I cannot ever know what's gonna happen.  Well the first time I got up to speak, I bombed like a missile in Baghdad.  I was so ill prepared.  

I still felt compelled to really go after the things I believe God challenges me in.  It's so funny that while I think I am so smart, but me in front kids, so pure and full of God, I am humbled and dependent.  I guess it is that vulnerability is right smack dab where God likes me, because lately that's where I have made my residence.  While I love it, and I am challenged, the truth is.....5th and 6th graders have taught me way more than I have ever taught them.  Well, the rest of the story unfolds in a leadership class that I teach on a weekly basis; these are the kids that absolutely want more out of their lives, and they are at a place where they want to go further.  I am humbled every week.  I through things out at them, they eat it, and beat it.  They overcome all their adversity, and are so hungry to hear the truth about what God is doing and what He wants from us.  They are like dogs who know they are going to get a treat. I can literally see them slobbering to hear.  It's awesome, but super heavy.  

You know the Kingdom of God is super simple; we are the ones that make it complicated.  We are the ones who make grace conditional.  We are the ones, who think we know better, but don't know really anything.

If you want to know what the Kingdom of God is like, come sit in the leadership class, or come to a Wednesday night service.  You will see it in its complete simplicity.  God is just insanely crazy about us.  He just is.  He is......I promise.

Peace

-b  

MY Niece

I was talking with my niece the other day...she is the cutest.  She had been learning in school about the death of Jesus.  I always ask Carter if she sees Jesus and this day she said she saw Him and He had big jewels on His head.  She has never learned Jesus with a crown on.  She told me about His death.  She told me that some "bad men" came and got Him while He was praying, and they took Him and hurt Him and they put Him on the Cross.  She continued, "Then after He died He became a rose"

Oh how sweet that is.  

Mess

Wow, what a mess I am. It is so crazy what can happen in the span of a week.....month. I started this journey starting last week. I felt this call, this thing inside of me. A yearning to stand up and do something that is bigger than me. A feeling of needing more than I currently have, a longing to get to a new place. A higher and more intimate place. Whoa...God delivers. He usher us right up to the throne. He has thoroughly messed me up. He has begun a work, that isn't about a program of right and rituals, or even about others. It's all about Him, and what He's doing, and how awesome He is. It's about worshiping, and loving, adoring, moring, yearning, desiring nothing but Him. It's a call to the very thing that's not about us. Worship is the one thing that isn't about us, and out little ministry. It's about something....Someone, who is much better and much more awesome that than any of the trinkets we have collected along the way. It's not about this new thing, or this new spiritual trend, it's not about whether we have the right doctrine, or even the right clothes. It's about worship and prayer....soaking in Him, and telling Him our adoration we have for Him.

This is what my generation is looking for. This is the thing that brings Him to them. We won't transform to our parents way, but we will love Jesus, and will come into Him........


Just some thoughts from a messed up man


-broc