Passing on

So in case you haven't heard, my granddad died.  I was saddened by his passing.  Not for any reason other than he just such a great man.  He lived his life to the fullest.  He fulfilled everything we wanted to do.  He traveled the globe, owned his own business, worked in a oil company, lived in San Francisco, loved my grandmother, and raised two daughters.  I loved him, because where my dad lacked, my granddad more than made up for.  He was a man's man, with a sensitive heart.  He never met stranger, and loved everyone who would let him.  He loved his grandchildren and attended everything we ever did.  He was a comedian, and witty.  He loved every joke he was told, and laughed louder than anyone at his own jokes. 

He is a great man, and we will dearly miss him!  

Change

It's all over the place.  We are seeing change like no other in this country.  I mean the stocks are lower than they have been in years and confidence in the country is probably at an all time low.  I mean whenever you turn on the TV all you hear is how awful everything is.  I resent that.  It's like the media has set up this perfectly set stage for President Obama to fail.  It's a shame.   I didn't vote for him.  I just didn't believe in a lot of the things he said.  His policy on abortion cannot be stomached in me.  

BUT, and that's a huge BUT, he is my president so I will listen to him.  I will honor him, and more importantly I will pray for him.  In the Bible God used a donkey to do His work.  It is my belief that is He can use him, then He can use Barack Obama to to the His work.  NOW, I am not calling President Obama a donkey, even if that is his party's mascot; I am simply saying that he is better than a Donkey, so obviously God can us him.  

be blessed

-broc

Camp Again

Yes, another camp has passed, but this year was unlike any other one I have ever been apart of.  Yes, we were in the same place, and did a lot of the same things, but this year was most definitely different.  It was like God poured out His Spirit before we even got there.  I mean from the moment we drove down into the canyon, I could feel Him.  I could almost smell Him.  It was like there was a fog throughout the camp.  We started to unload the trucks and I just couldn't believe how much He loved us.  We went down the day before, because we had a ton (literally) of things to set up for the kids.  Set up was easy and quick.  It was just crazy for it to work out that way.  The next morning we all got up around seven, as we were eagerly awaiting the arrival of the kids.  I mean we were about the unfold the canvas we had been painting for months.  The excitement in the air only added to the already awesomeness that was God's Presence.  We set up a game for the kids, and all the sudden we could hear the throng of diesel engines as they rounded the edge of the canyon and headed down the hill.  We cheered knowing that  months of prayers, preparation, and planning all culminated to this moment.  Instantly there was a thought that said, it is time.  The buses stopped in front of the various cabins used to house the children for the week.  All of the sudden a chatter erupted out of the bus as the kids screamed, "WE'RE HERE!"  Just like clock were the shuffled off the buses, grabbed their bags, and ran to make sure they got first pick of beds.  Camp had officially started, and all the pons were in place, and of course the presence made it everything a kid could dream of.  After a little debriefing about rules, regulations, and expectations, the kids threw on their swim suits and jumped in the enormous pool.  

Later that evening, the kids filed into what is the "sanctuary" at this camp. It's really what we would call a gym, but with the most amazing lighting it became an awesome venue.  The worship started and the kids were on.  They belted out the tunes and danced like their lives depending on it.  They did not care what their neighbors thought, but only cared about their audience of one.  Day one proved to be one of the most amazing worship experiences.  

Day two, met with morning dew, and a gentle breeze.  It was beautiful, and the sun coming over the canyon wall made for the most dynamic moments.  It's just God's promise coming to wish us good day.  That night in the service, the song "How He Loves Us" ministered to our hearts, and was ironic since the message of Salvation was preached.  Throngs of kids were touched and walked forward ready for a change in their lives.  It was heavy, and The Presence of God was flowing like water.  They crowded the stage; the multitude was so great they even crowded onto the stage.  As they prayed in faith to receive all the Jesus did for them, there was not an adult with a dry eye.  

The next day was even more amazing, there were enormous tests and even greater battles.  Where there was battle, and where there were tests, there was victory.  It's very interesting, because this nights message was all about overcoming fear.  The story of David and Goliath, and others who had courage.  The veil on the memory verse for camp was lifted as those words of Deuteronomy 31:6 became part of each child's life.  Then came the faith part of the evening.  The children were asked to walk forward if they were dealing with a giant.  As the adults lined the front of the stage hundreds of kids marched to the front and dropped their giant off to a leader.  As you could imagine, the kids walked more uprightly as they had the weight of that fear off their shoulders.  

The final day seem to roll by like a movie reel  showing the feature film.  It was again met with a few battles and the kids walked out their fears with even greater tenacity.  That night as everyone piled into the "sanctuary," there was a since that something amazing was about to happen.  You could almost see everyone leaning forward in their seats as the anticipation set in.  The worship was phenomenal, and you could almost smell the incense of praise as it rose to The King.  Even more of His presence blasted each person gathered in the room.  "Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss..." melted our hearts, and absolutely changed who we were.  Then the preaching began.  Tonight God would introduce His "Helper."  Holy Spirit was there, and He was ready to baptize these children and adults in His empowering Presence.  The children raced to the front to receive the "Helper," and to immerse themselves in all that God had for them.  As they receive their gifts, they practiced while filing back to their chairs.  Then more worship.  It was so intense as Abba shown His love down on us.  "Oh how He loves us... We are His portion and He is our prize."  

The next morning the curtains closed, and the buses and the entire caravan drove up the hill of the canyon, looking back to bid the place were God met them goodbye; laughing knowing that now they will meet with Him daily.  

Peace

-b 

Isn't It Funny...

You know when you get to that place where you feel like you have everything you want. You so proudly boast about you newly found place of peace.  You just think, doesn't get any better.  Your feet barely touch the ground, you are so elated to be in this land of perfection.  You just are so unbelievably happy, and everyone who is around you wants to smack you everytime you tell that same story about blessed you are.  

Then out of the quiet of your heart, you are enveloped with the feeling of things changing, and shifting, and melding into something new.  All the sudden, while still maintaining some sort of decorum, your world is upside down.  You start questioning everything you have held near and dear to the heart.  Your brain is swamped with changing direction.  You feel like you are being pulled in many different directions.  You are in a state of being I like to call, "shake changing."  It's a place where everything is shaking and everything is changing.  I mean everything, mind, strength, desires, hopes, and even your passions, are changing.  It is such an uncomfortable and vulnerable place.  If you are like me, then you look back to those places you were just boasting about and try to convince yourself you did something wrong, and that's why you are forced to be in the place you're in now.  There is an old song by Sara Groves named "Painting Pictures of Egypt."  The chorus goes a little something like this:

"I been painting pictures of Egypt leaving out what if lacks, the future feels so hard and I don't want to go back."

The whole song is about this aforementioned "place."  We so long to be back where we were, but we don't really fit there, and we are finding it hard to fit where we are.  Just like the children of Israel; they actually stated that wanted to be slaves again.  When I read that in Exodus, I think how insane are they acting.  They had just watched miracle after miracle, and still they think being slaved is much more fun than living in the wilderness.  Then I examine my life and look at how unhappy and irrational I am when in the middle of the wilderness.  When all the things around me are changing, and I'm moving into a newness, but it's not what I expected, so I decided in my life to just hate it.  I fight against the things which are making you a better person.  All of this for God to change my character, and such.  I know myself well enough to know, when I am in the middle of change I cannot trust my emotions.  I am super sentimental, and that doesn't do well with newness. 

Just when you think you can't take anymore shifting; just when you are at the very end of every ounce of everything you have is exhausted.  In that stress you start to proceed into the place where you were promised, and you fought against the whole way......

Ahhh this place is the greatest place ever.  I love it.  It's so cool, and all my friends think so too.....

And the circle continues.....

peace 

-b     

I said it

I know, I am horrible.  I can't believe myself that I said it, but it came out of my mouth.  As soon as it tumbled down I knew I was going to be judged.  I was standing talking to someone I totally admire and I know they want what's best for me.  I just can't imagine why I got to that level of dissatisfaction.  I am sure by know your wondering what it is I said....well.  It might suprise you.  I had grown stale in my church and said, "I just feel like I am not being feed here anymore."  

Those 10 words have different meanings to others, but to me, it made me want to vomit that I would say such a thing.  When I have heard this phrase in the past, it had meant, "our feelings are hurt." "We lost our position." "We are not the big fish in the little bowl." or even "We're bored in our lives."

So you can see from my short history this was not a good situation, and I was at the end of my rope.  You can see the frustration, and the immaturity of it all.  As I began to pray into what I thought God was wanting me to do.  I kept hearing Him say, it's time to give, it's time to serve.  I long hard gulp to get that down.  I mean if He only knew what serving looked like when I was doing it last..... (of course He knew, and saw it all)

So, I started teaching 4th Grade sunday school.  Did take it too seriously, but it was fun.  I love kids, they have such a great perspective.  Well, then one of my friends decided I needed to go and help with the 5th and 6th graders.  Then two of my other friends peer pressured me into working on Wednesday night and Sunday mornings.  I loved it.  I loved every ounce of it.  I started to see what I know I was suppose to.  Going to church is only half of our job.  The Other half is to give it all away.  We give out of our overflow, so it not like really giving.  It's giving what what have spilled out and not used.  It's crazy but it's so true.  It's just the way God works.   Don't believe me?  Try it.....

peace

-b

   

Unbearable

tragic, sad, lament, weeping, anguish, and doubt.

Those have been my friends lately.  I know it doesn't sound fun.  In fact it is quite the opposite.  Life has a way of making it up to you.  I just hate this moment in time.  I say that knowing the newness is coming, but right now is really tough.  I have spent days warding off depression, and trying to balance my feelings.  I have struck out at people, and have withdrawn from many.  It's just that my granddad isn't getting any better, and actually he has worsened.  My mom the consummate nurse, went to visit and called me worried about his health.  "He is just so weak," she exclaimed on the phone; "He doesn't have enough energy to get up to go the bathroom."  I broke up, and sat down and cried, and cried, and cried.  

I have never seen my granddad weak.  I have never seen him defeated.  He is strength, and courage.  He laughed everything off, and now he is weak and not laughing.  It's too much.  I can't see him like that.  I just can't.  I must see him, and I must be with him.  It is too hard, it's too unsafe.  I love him dearly, and trully.  He is just a character.  He is my friend.  He is as stubborn as an ox, but has the heart of a lion.  My mom said he is getting really upset because people are having to help him, and it hit me like  a ton of bricks.  THAT'S IT!  That's what's buggin me! The mand who has been the the picture of strength is weak.  It's a major role reversal which I was not prepared to see.  Oh, it is not fun, cancer sucks, and I hate it.  

-peace

-b  

These days

I sometimes find it hard to breath.  I find myself getting offended at the things I see in front of me.  I don't like it, not even a little.  It just seems like all the horrendous things happen all at once.  When you are just getting your breath back from the getting punched in the stomach, life hits you right in the gut.....again.  It how the circle goes, if we can lose out hope then we are defeated.  If we don't have anything in front of us to live for, we will implode on ourselves.  That's what I hate about having an enemy. It's as if everywhere you go you have to keep sober.  You must keep what we call your "wits about you."  I hate it.  I have recently seen the aftermath of battles in which the person didn't have this victorious.  I mean they are in heaven and what only see through our veiled eyes, they now know it all.  It's just that I am not sure how to feel about it. OF COURSE it's mournful, but the fact that they were taken way before anyone should,  is what I am walking through. 

Then I have another friend who was dealt some adversity, and absolutely amazed me at what God did through them.  I just don't understand what the difference is.  I am just in that fleshing it out moment.  I asked the "big" questions, which are only really big to me.  It's tough sometimes to ask God the questions you aren't sure you want to answers to. But as always He answers with such a passion, enthusiasm, and love.  It's not for us to know everything now, and probably when we have the capacity to know we won't care.  It's just that we always questions and sometimes God is mum on answers......i think for more of the reason that the answer to one question would lead to more questions, more than He doesn't want us to know.  He just so loves us. 

peace

-b