Isn't It Funny...

You know when you get to that place where you feel like you have everything you want. You so proudly boast about you newly found place of peace.  You just think, doesn't get any better.  Your feet barely touch the ground, you are so elated to be in this land of perfection.  You just are so unbelievably happy, and everyone who is around you wants to smack you everytime you tell that same story about blessed you are.  

Then out of the quiet of your heart, you are enveloped with the feeling of things changing, and shifting, and melding into something new.  All the sudden, while still maintaining some sort of decorum, your world is upside down.  You start questioning everything you have held near and dear to the heart.  Your brain is swamped with changing direction.  You feel like you are being pulled in many different directions.  You are in a state of being I like to call, "shake changing."  It's a place where everything is shaking and everything is changing.  I mean everything, mind, strength, desires, hopes, and even your passions, are changing.  It is such an uncomfortable and vulnerable place.  If you are like me, then you look back to those places you were just boasting about and try to convince yourself you did something wrong, and that's why you are forced to be in the place you're in now.  There is an old song by Sara Groves named "Painting Pictures of Egypt."  The chorus goes a little something like this:

"I been painting pictures of Egypt leaving out what if lacks, the future feels so hard and I don't want to go back."

The whole song is about this aforementioned "place."  We so long to be back where we were, but we don't really fit there, and we are finding it hard to fit where we are.  Just like the children of Israel; they actually stated that wanted to be slaves again.  When I read that in Exodus, I think how insane are they acting.  They had just watched miracle after miracle, and still they think being slaved is much more fun than living in the wilderness.  Then I examine my life and look at how unhappy and irrational I am when in the middle of the wilderness.  When all the things around me are changing, and I'm moving into a newness, but it's not what I expected, so I decided in my life to just hate it.  I fight against the things which are making you a better person.  All of this for God to change my character, and such.  I know myself well enough to know, when I am in the middle of change I cannot trust my emotions.  I am super sentimental, and that doesn't do well with newness. 

Just when you think you can't take anymore shifting; just when you are at the very end of every ounce of everything you have is exhausted.  In that stress you start to proceed into the place where you were promised, and you fought against the whole way......

Ahhh this place is the greatest place ever.  I love it.  It's so cool, and all my friends think so too.....

And the circle continues.....

peace 

-b     

I said it

I know, I am horrible.  I can't believe myself that I said it, but it came out of my mouth.  As soon as it tumbled down I knew I was going to be judged.  I was standing talking to someone I totally admire and I know they want what's best for me.  I just can't imagine why I got to that level of dissatisfaction.  I am sure by know your wondering what it is I said....well.  It might suprise you.  I had grown stale in my church and said, "I just feel like I am not being feed here anymore."  

Those 10 words have different meanings to others, but to me, it made me want to vomit that I would say such a thing.  When I have heard this phrase in the past, it had meant, "our feelings are hurt." "We lost our position." "We are not the big fish in the little bowl." or even "We're bored in our lives."

So you can see from my short history this was not a good situation, and I was at the end of my rope.  You can see the frustration, and the immaturity of it all.  As I began to pray into what I thought God was wanting me to do.  I kept hearing Him say, it's time to give, it's time to serve.  I long hard gulp to get that down.  I mean if He only knew what serving looked like when I was doing it last..... (of course He knew, and saw it all)

So, I started teaching 4th Grade sunday school.  Did take it too seriously, but it was fun.  I love kids, they have such a great perspective.  Well, then one of my friends decided I needed to go and help with the 5th and 6th graders.  Then two of my other friends peer pressured me into working on Wednesday night and Sunday mornings.  I loved it.  I loved every ounce of it.  I started to see what I know I was suppose to.  Going to church is only half of our job.  The Other half is to give it all away.  We give out of our overflow, so it not like really giving.  It's giving what what have spilled out and not used.  It's crazy but it's so true.  It's just the way God works.   Don't believe me?  Try it.....

peace

-b

   

Unbearable

tragic, sad, lament, weeping, anguish, and doubt.

Those have been my friends lately.  I know it doesn't sound fun.  In fact it is quite the opposite.  Life has a way of making it up to you.  I just hate this moment in time.  I say that knowing the newness is coming, but right now is really tough.  I have spent days warding off depression, and trying to balance my feelings.  I have struck out at people, and have withdrawn from many.  It's just that my granddad isn't getting any better, and actually he has worsened.  My mom the consummate nurse, went to visit and called me worried about his health.  "He is just so weak," she exclaimed on the phone; "He doesn't have enough energy to get up to go the bathroom."  I broke up, and sat down and cried, and cried, and cried.  

I have never seen my granddad weak.  I have never seen him defeated.  He is strength, and courage.  He laughed everything off, and now he is weak and not laughing.  It's too much.  I can't see him like that.  I just can't.  I must see him, and I must be with him.  It is too hard, it's too unsafe.  I love him dearly, and trully.  He is just a character.  He is my friend.  He is as stubborn as an ox, but has the heart of a lion.  My mom said he is getting really upset because people are having to help him, and it hit me like  a ton of bricks.  THAT'S IT!  That's what's buggin me! The mand who has been the the picture of strength is weak.  It's a major role reversal which I was not prepared to see.  Oh, it is not fun, cancer sucks, and I hate it.  

-peace

-b  

These days

I sometimes find it hard to breath.  I find myself getting offended at the things I see in front of me.  I don't like it, not even a little.  It just seems like all the horrendous things happen all at once.  When you are just getting your breath back from the getting punched in the stomach, life hits you right in the gut.....again.  It how the circle goes, if we can lose out hope then we are defeated.  If we don't have anything in front of us to live for, we will implode on ourselves.  That's what I hate about having an enemy. It's as if everywhere you go you have to keep sober.  You must keep what we call your "wits about you."  I hate it.  I have recently seen the aftermath of battles in which the person didn't have this victorious.  I mean they are in heaven and what only see through our veiled eyes, they now know it all.  It's just that I am not sure how to feel about it. OF COURSE it's mournful, but the fact that they were taken way before anyone should,  is what I am walking through. 

Then I have another friend who was dealt some adversity, and absolutely amazed me at what God did through them.  I just don't understand what the difference is.  I am just in that fleshing it out moment.  I asked the "big" questions, which are only really big to me.  It's tough sometimes to ask God the questions you aren't sure you want to answers to. But as always He answers with such a passion, enthusiasm, and love.  It's not for us to know everything now, and probably when we have the capacity to know we won't care.  It's just that we always questions and sometimes God is mum on answers......i think for more of the reason that the answer to one question would lead to more questions, more than He doesn't want us to know.  He just so loves us. 

peace

-b   

Testing Testing Testing 1, 2, 3.....

So as luck would have it, I have been facing a lot of testing in the past few days....weeks.  I say this, and I am sure it's coming across like it was and is a horrible thing.  Truthfully, I don't like testing.  I have never been a good test taker.  It's not my favorite thing, but it's not tough or scary, usually because you don't know it's a test and your true self answers the questions.  It's a weird process, but but one we need.  We can think we would do the right thing over and over.  

With me, I am sure if you know me, then I am sure you view me as opinionated among other things.  The truth is, I think I talk a big game on confrontation.  I view myself as passionate and struggling to have my voice heard.  I have learned over the years to really have your voice heard and to make a difference you need to speak less.  This is what I am working on.  Speaking less listening more.  It doesn't mean I am not talking, but rather listening to those around me.  I want people to say...he doesn't talk a lot but when he does it's truth, wise, smart, just what we needed, etc.   

This past week I faced a real test.  Something happened, and I was shell shocked to say the least.  I was completely blind sided, and I didn't really know what to do.  My feelings were hurt and I felt embarrassed.  I kind of went into this delusional place of telling myself, "I'm okay."  It is not a fun place, sulking is not in my nature so when it happens it challenges my thinking.  I just kept slipping into this place that I got really irrational.  I started to talk about moving on and away from something I really love.  It was that moment, I heard God clear as the day.  He challenged me into what I was going to do.  I felt like he said..."it's your move."  I have never played chess or really even know how, but I know it's all about strategy.  So, I called a friend told them what happened and what I should do.  They told me, well if you can't shake it then you must confront.  My friend also told me I was right to feel the way I did.  Feelings are not your barometer but you can not deny them.  That's really good advice.  It took a lot of guilt off my shoulders.  I was honest and told them of my irrationality, and then the advice I clung to hear....it's normal and it's okay, just don't let yourself act on your irrationality.  Oh that is really good advice. I sat back, and thought about it and prayed.  I thought about what it actually cost me.  I thought about why it bothered me.  I tried to get to the bottom of it.  I felt God showing me it was the surprise of it all that got me down.  It was my vulnerability was exploited.  It was the people who did this are people I super trust.  It noticed some thinking about the whole thing being blown out of proportion, and I heard myself say, "they didn't do this to internationally hurt me."  I knew I had reached to place that meant I needed to set a boundary.  I felt that if I was my friends I would want to know.  I called told them, and it all worked out.  Setting boundaries is so important.  

I heard God say...you passed...

I am so glad

peace

-b

Thus is life

I hate when people say that. It drives me crazy. As if we are some pitiful useless bag of bones without purpose. It's so funny. Ever time I think I have it tough I think of all those who are less fortunate. I think its horrible that we argue over the correct way to help those in need, those people who really can't help themselves are just standing there watching us act like those kids first grade. I hate it. I absolutely think it is silly to argue over "if" and "how" the help. I don't think help needs to be fought over, but rather everyone doing their part. It's the red tape that corrupts the systems. It's not a political issue, but a heart issue. I am stirred EVERY time I talk or see those in need. Now I am not perfect and I can't hep everyone, that's an impossible challenge for me.

I feel super small and inept when it comes to solving the world's multiple problems. I just don't have all the answers. I was listening to a song the other day, a song that has become one I think touches on this feeling. It "I like Giants" by Kimya Dawson....

Here are the lyrics, with emphasis added

I Like Giants

When I go for a drive I like to pull off to the side
Of the road, turn out the lights, get out and look up at the sky
And I do this to remind me that I'm really, really tiny
In the grand scheme of things and sometimes this terrifies me

But it's only really scary cause it makes me feel serene
In a way I never thought I'd be because I've never been
So grounded, and so humbled, and so one with everything
I am grounded, I am humbled, I am one with everything

Rock and roll is fun but if you ever hear someone
Say you are huge, look at the moon, look at the stars, look at the sun
Look at the ocean and the desert and the mountains and the sky
Say I am just a speck of dust inside a giant's eye
I am just a speck of dust inside a giant's eye

When I saw Geneviève I really liked it when she said
What she said about the giant and the lemmings on the cliff
She said 'I like giants
Especially girl giants
Cause all girls feel too big sometimes
Regardless of their size'

When I go for a drive I like to pull off to the side
Of the road and run and jump into the ocean in my clothes
I'm smaller than a poppyseed inside a great big bowl
And the ocean is a giant that can swallow me whole

So I swim for all salvation and I swim to save my soul
But my soul is just a whisper trapped inside a tornado
So I flip to my back and I float and I sing
I am grounded, I am humbled, I am one with everything
I am grounded, I am humbled, I am one with everything

So I talked to Geneviève and almost cried when she said
That the giant on the cliff wished that she was dead
And the lemmings on the cliff wished that they were dead
So the giant told the lemmings why they ought to live instead

When she thought up all those reasons that they ought to live instead
It made her reconsider all the sad thoughts in her head
So thank you Geneviève, cause you take what is in your head
And you make things that are so beautiful and share them with your friends

We all become important when we realize our goal
Should be to figure out our role within the context of the whole
And yeah, rock and roll is fun, but if you ever hear someone
Say you are huge, look at the moon, look at the stars, look at the sun
Look at the ocean and the desert and the mountains and the sky

Say I am just a speck of dust inside a giant's eye
I am just a speck of dust inside a giant's eye
I am just a speck of dust inside a giant's eye
And I don't wanna make her cry
Cause I like giants

That's IT! "We all become important when we realize our goal should be to figure out our role within the context of the whole." It takes us all for change. It takes all of us to make the change this world needs. If we could just motivate the vast majority into action....but thus is life.....GRRRR!!!


Just some thoughts

peace,
-b

Unbelievable!

I think there are just a few times in our lives when we can look back and think, "wow that really determined the direction my life took."  It's even more amazing to see it happen right in front of you.  

I can't believe it, but God is using my mouth...which I love, but never thought would happen.  I recently was able to take a retreat with the 5th and 6th graders whom I work with every week.  Along with a slew of other people, and was blessed every minute of the trip.  The pastor of the 5th and 6th graders approached me and asked if I could be the one who taught the lessons and activate the kids in the things we were to discuss.  I have to say I NEVER saw that coming, and in fact I felt a little overwhelmed with it.  I turned back to say no, I don't think I am interested in that, and just then something rose up inside of me and said: "Sure, I would love to."  I was a little puzzled by my reaction after the inner monologue that just transpired! I actually heard myself say yes.  Then the dread of the impending day hit me like a hail stones hit the ground break into a million little pieces of ice.  The weight of it all was a little bit more than I have ever felt.  BUT I knew, even if I couldn't see right in front of me, God was all over it, and actually I knew He was the one who called this into being. 

I just started to pray and really get a vision for what He wanted me to say.  It is such a nice place to be.... absolutely dependent.  If this doesn't seem like it would, trust me, when you know you can't do it without Him; you will understand.  

Anyway, the retreat was awesome, and some of the kids have gone home and changed their parents views on some things.  The kids have changed their families, and I am amazing at the ripple from a meeting and how awesome God is......humbled absolutely humbled....God is good...indeed

peace 

-b